October 15, 2010

• Dying alive in solitude

  Reflection  

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  Be in solitude. Experience yourself. Die alive.

  These were the three phrases that stuck to me after our morning lesson today at the Lotus Bhavan in Kamuning, Quezon City.

  Today was my third day in the Philippine's capital as I go through my paperworks in the hope of finding a job in the world's greenest pasture - USA. Surprisingly, it didn't take more than an hour for me to get the needed papers (thanks to Grace and Louie) from my alma mater - Our Lady of Fatima University in Lagro, Quezon City.

  Development was everywhere and I was sad at the loss of trees along the path that we used to stroll in on our way to school. What replaced it were eateries with blaring videoke machines, novelty shops, mobile phone stalls, and other establishments that cater to the whims of the students.

  When I dropped by Kudyapi St. in Lagro where I used to stay, Tita Luz, Kuya Boy, and I talked about the past and updates on the lives of my previous house mates. And then when I went to see Len, Gomer, Fred and Baby Marcelle (with Len's sister, Sharon), we talked about the past and yes, updates on the lives of the people who I used to go with behind the picket lines and all.

  Everything has been about people, our lives, and how hectic and troublesome life can be. If we get caught up with all the happenings around us, tendency is we get lost. We forget who we are, and we forget our purpose, our reason of being. We forget to experience ourselves.

  Dying alive, is one way for us to start reconnecting with the self.

  BK Rose of Lotus explained the phrase very well, saying that dying alive doesn't mean that one becomes apathetic, not giving any mind on events as it unfolds in front of him, whether it be good or bad. Rather, to die alive is not to be affected by events happening around him. Care for people being affected by these events will still be there, but one who is dead to the world is able to see a situation as an observer and not as a participant.

  This attitude allows one to gain a better perspective of the situation and thus is able to come up with better solutions.

  ***

  The class also discussed about giving and taking.

  Because we live in a world where everyone is empty, we tend to be takers, that is we demand for a lot of things from other people - attention, money, love, etc.

  Sometimes it becomes hard for us to give because we ourselves lack these things. So, we just want to take and take and take.

  There is nothing wrong with that though because what can we give away if we ourselves don't have it, or is not complete. Our only problem is we take from people who is also empty or half full. So, tendency is they would also take from you. And then it becomes a game of taking and giving (mostly by force).

  Now, why do we have to take from someone who lacks? Why not take from someone who is overflowing? Maybe because we haven't met that someone yet. Have you?

  It can be hard and challenging, but if we start looking within, we might find someone who is full to the brim.

  ***

  Today I spent the rest of the day contemplating and meditating at the Center for Spiritual Learning in Tagaytay. Sometimes, Lucybhen and I would discuss about things past, things of the present and the future.

  Our discussion led to my plan in going to the states and she had a point. She asked me, would you be happy with your decision?

  She was able to say this because she realized that when I was taking care of her husband I was sorrowful, plainly because I found the job to be menial. Not that caring for people is a lowly job. It isn't. Its a noble job. Still, I could not reconcile with myself the feeling of working like a slave, even if I was being treated like royalty. Because of this, she was worried, saying that in the States my work would be the same as that when I was with her husband, but worse since I would be bound by a long contract in a place far from my home where I have family and friends to support me. And there is no option for me to leave unscathed.

  This had me thinking, is this really what I want in my life?

  Mostly, the decision for me to go and work abroad is influenced by my parents, simply because they want me to have a better life, and perhaps to make sure that if something happens to them - God forbid - I'd be able to comfortably take care of them. This has also become my mission and purpose, which, come to think of it,  really should not be.

  She said that there is the need for me to develop will power and determination.

  I need to start deciding for myself and giving my life direction. I need to start filling myself so that when time comes I would have more to share to others.

  I need to die alive.

  ***

  How do you die alive?

  • 10:46 am
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